If you love somebody
by shourin
Summary: If you love somebody, just let it go.. - Gojyo POV..one sided gojyoxhakkai, hakkaixsanzo. New chapter. sorry for the long wait. please enjoy it and tell me your opinion.
1. if you love somebody

Disclaimer: not mine. Minekura Kazuya Sensei is… HOoooRAA!

This is Gojyo's POV. I dunno what else to say.

If You Love Somebody..

The pain is too deep. Standing here, soaked and cold. The loneliness I felt made my heart so damn hurt its numb. My ears ringing, throats choking and soon my visions are blurring. A single tears escape and it mends with the pouring rain. It's well past midnight, and I'm crying in the middle of the rain with a bottle of sake in my hand. Am I drunk? I really don't know and I don't really care anymore.

I don't know how I manage to cope with all of these things. Am I the most idiotic creatures alive, or it's just my brain incapable of doing its thinking ability lately. And I'm still wondering, why can't I do anything about it.

It's hurts me. I see you, I watch you, I smell you, I breath you, I care for you, and only gods know there's not a single seconds past without me thinking about you. Sadly though, you would never realize that every fibre of my being is screaming your name, longing for your care, your touch, your voice, your attention, your …heart..

It doesn't matter anymore. Your heart is not mine and it will never be. You belong to him now. You smiled the truest smile every time he looked into your eyes or amuse you or touch you, or kiss you, all those things I'm not capable to do throughout all my time spent with you. Those entire things that I dreams to do to you, and I guess I never could in reality, even if I've been given all eternity.

I can't think of anything any more. I don't want to feel this anymore and I am wandering aimlessly in the middle of another random town's road that we manage to find in this goddamned journey. My food tripped carelessly and I stumbled face – first onto the puddle of mud. The soil soaked water splattered to my face and I remained there lying in the middle of the road. I stay still. The raindrops keep on falling on my back. And I clutch my sake's bottle tighter.

I remember it exactly a hundred days ago. Funny that I manage to count every passing day without ever knowing it. That is the day when I saw you hug him, the day I saw you kiss him, the day, which you confessed that you loved him. And I remembered it clearly, how your face light up when he 'show' you that he felt the same way too, the complete joy that radiate from your aura as if you're on the top of the world and that very same day, where my own world had fallen apart and shattered my heart into a million dispersing pieces, so tiny like dust which I can't reach it anymore. And that day, I cursed fate that brought you to me, that made me fall in love with you and made me a witness of your confession of undying love, to him.

It has already been a hundred days. Hundred days I pretend like nothing happened. Hundred days I manage to concealed my hidden despair. Hundred days I learned to wear a mask, things I've never done before, and lord knows how it's eating me alive, I guess I can't take this no more. It's hurt so much.

What am I supposed to feel? Maybe I should feel happy for you. After all, your happiness is all that matters to me, and I really can't afford to see you hurt. And I guess it really worth it even my life now is as empty as a can of Asahi in the middle of a dessert.

Why does it have to be so painful? Why does it hurt so much to see you smile and happy just being with him? I want to make you happy too, why can't it be me? I've waited forever to be with you, why can't you see me? And why was it, that's no matter how I tried, I couldn't give you up? Why am I still hoping that I deserved a chance, an opportunity to taste a sip of your..love?

I don't know, and nobody cared enough to provide me with an answer. Like anybody knows what the answer is and even if they really know, nobody really cares for me to provide it. Hey, I'm just a fucking half-breed, a youkai bastard. No, a human bastard, I don't know, whichever is the same. I'm used to it, No! I'm SUPPOSED to get used to it. I've been rejected CONSTANTLY, damn it! Why must I make a big deal about it this time? Hahahaha, people will come and go, why bother? They'll never care!

Man, I feel like singing. Maybe it would ease the pain away.

" And I don't want the world to see meeeeeeeee! Cuz I don't think that they'll understanddd! When everything's made to be brokennn! I just want you to know who I am!!! I just want you to…..know……………" [1]

Silence.

Suddenly it feels so cold, so alone. Biting my lower lips, choking a sob, regretting myself for singing something so stupid. You will never know nor ever realize. The rain keep on falling, not showing any sign to ease. Crouching in the mud, I'm hopeless.

The water that's pooling around me is getting deeper and deeper, and I just ignore it. Maybe I'll drown in this puddle and people in this town would muses tomorrow morning about a stranger who's drowning in the puddle in the middle of the road. Isn't it great? I'll be famous.

More silence.

It's so damned familiar. Maybe, this is what you feel that night. Heartbroken, useless, sad and confused. I wonder if there'll be anybody who comes after me. And would I smile to that 'anybody' too? Geesshh.. Gojyo, stop dreaming. There won't be anybody.

Maybe it's time for me to give it all up and let you go. I'd save your happiness even if it did mean sacrificing my own… if there's any…

Suddenly it stops raining, but I still can see the raindrops splashing onto the roads and puddles. What the hell..

"Gojyo? Are you okay?" Somebody's concerned voice greets me. I look up and see you holding an umbrella kneeling besides my head. Well, that explains the absence of the raindrops on my face and on top of all; it's you who amazingly came to me of all people. Is it really a mere twist of fate or it's the whole world mocking me and stamping 'LOSER!' on my forehead?

And I wonder. why are you here, when you should be with him? Why do you come for me? Staring into your emerald eyes, I laugh out loud at myself. Maybe this is why I can never give you up, this is why I keep on thinking that I deserve a chance, this is why I can keep on waiting and maybe, this is why I suppose that it's worth to keep on loving you in silence.

"Gojyo?"

"Hakkaiii? Heh, heh, heh… a'm ooool' right.. tis' thin' ezz nice.." Yeah, way to go Gojyo! Just pretend and play along. I oozed him the bottle of sake to make my little drama more realistic, or whatever remains of it... oh, and speaking of remains, there's something moving inside that bottle, and what the hell is that slimy thing?

"I think that's enough for today, Gojyo. Plus, you might be sick if you keep on lying on the road like this. I don't think that Sanzo might be too generous and happy to stay if you manage to catch a fever tomorrow."

Yea..yeah.. reminding myself that your world is revolving around your precious Sanzo. Instead of saying anything, I just flash him my stupid grin.

To be continued…

[1] Iris – Goo Goo Dolls.

What do you think? Uhh… my first fanfic ever.. tell me if I make any mistakes… douzo yoroshikou.. onegai..


	2. just let him go

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki is not mine.

Warning: Yaoi. Not suitable for kids.

_Thanks for those who reviewed and support me. This chapter is dedicated to lydd, viciouscallisto, namida tendo and Kiba-chan. You guys had gives me the courage to go on._

_To Kiba-chan, I'm sorry; I'm very weak in grammar. How about this chapter? Is it improving?_

_For others, thank you for your support. I'm sorry too. Didn't mean to make you guys cry._

_Now, wipe those tears and enjoy the next chapter._

**Just Let Him Go…**

Breakfast the next morning is the same as always, a little spat between me and Goku, a calming Hakkai and a grunting Sanzo. After that, our journey continues. Nothing changes. Nothing should have change.

The journey is as usual, a little peaceful, a little bit of havoc, some youkais attacks and all, and back to a quite atmosphere, though it's not for long. It's not that I'm complaining. In fact, it made it easier for me to blend in, hiding the wound of my heart.

The sun had nearly set, and Hakkai had suggested for an outdoor camp, since the next town will be a couple of days away. We had finally agreed to camp in a clearing at the riverside. The scenery was nice, and the river acts as the source of food and fresh water. Camping here might not be so bad after all.

After a nice meal of grilled fish, we were ready to sleep. Hakkai went to the river to clean up the dishes, and Sanzo followed up soon afterwards. They hadn't returned for an hour later, and I don't want to think of anything. Goku has already snoring and it made me kind of jealous on his simple and easygoing life. I couldn't sleep so I just spent the night staring at the campfire, mesmerize on how the flames is eating the woods and leaves to blackened ashes. Yeah, like my heart right now. It has already burnt to crisp. I might think of feeding it to the dogs. Maybe it would be nice, living without a heart, and without feelings. I won't feel anything anymore. No more sadness, no more happiness, no more joy, and no more despair. No jealousy, not even hate and nothing called love. It would be nice, wouldn't it?

A crack of twigs and I'm out of my reverie. They're back. They're gone for about 2 hours 11 minutes and 13 seconds; it's not that I'm counting anyway. Really, I'm not counting. It's just that, I'm a genius for sudden. Yeah, just take it that way. It was easier.

I went to my sleeping bag, pretending to be asleep. I heard them coming, Hakkai bidding a hushed 'good night' to Sanzo and he just grunt as a reply. That is not a 'good night' you damned bastard monk! At least take care of him properly, you shitty monk! Bide him proper and kiss him good night if necessary. Caress him and let him sleep under your touch. Watch over him, so that he can have a nice peaceful slumber, and wake up for a nice and wonderful day.

I squeezed my hand so hard that my nails are biting the palm of my hand. It gives me heartache to see him being mistreated that way. God knows how I longed to be the ones residing his heart.

When I was sure that they all had fallen asleep. I sat up straight on my sleeping bag, and resume my campfire watching ritual, kind of. I stole a couple of glances towards Hakkai, who sleeps on the other side of campfire, opposite of mine. One can't help but worried, in case there's a dangerous insect lurking around. Who knows, prevention is better than cure.

I keep on staring the flames, thinking of so many things, like, where we would be after we finished the journey? What should we do? How are our lives that time? Is it the same when we first started knowing each other? Is it the same back then, when Hakkai and I had a very wonderful time together?

It also made me wonder, for me, those 3 years living with Hakkai is the most wonderful moment of my life. That is the time when I know what does it feels to really care for somebody. It was during that time that I realize that I had fallen in love with him, discreetly. I was so afraid, confessing my love to him after all he had been through. And so, I had waited for him. I keep on waiting, and until this very moment, I am still waiting.

But, does he feel the same way that I do? Those times he spent with me, is it as wonderful as I thought? Or, the 3 months with Sanzo outweigh everything?

I can't answer that, because I don't have the answer. Or maybe, the answer is displayed perfectly in front of me, and my heart is just too stubborn to believe it. Open your eyes Gojyo. Don't burden yourself with something you can't even understand. Just let him go.

Just let him go…

I leaned back onto my sleeping bag, and sigh heavily.

It's been 101 days…

More to comes… 


End file.
